Addiction
by kr3ativ23
Summary: "Hello, my name is Nick and... I'm addicted to sex"
1. Energy

**Addiction**

Summary: Hello my name is Nick and I'm a sex addict...

Rating may change in future chapters. Please Enjoy and Review!

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI

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**Ch1: Energy**

After Clark lost his life on my watch I felt my life start to slip away. I run through the scenario at least a dozen times a day. I feel myself drifting away into darkness a soul blackening darkness that turns good men into bad guys. I realize I have a problem.

_How can one even be addicted to sex?_ Is a question I have been asking myself, it seems so surreal. Sex is a way of life you can't not have sex that doesn't make sense.

I'm not obsessed with sex but it has something that I cannot live without or not think about. My life has evolved into something I'm ashamed of... Sure during the day I'm some great man who solves crime but then at night the animal comes out.

It first started when I was buried alive I hated the feeling of being alone it was like I was buried in that damn box all over again. I would go to the bar and wait it usually doesn't take long for a woman to approach me. From there I either get her number or we go to her house for fun or settle for a quickie behind the bar or in her car.

Now that I'm saying I realize how disgusting I really am.

I think I had control of myself until Clark died I realized that I was going out more and more. I can't function without it and I realize that this is unhealthy.

I can't think straight at work and I don't trust myself around Catherine or Sara or even Mandy. God forbid I ever try to do anything on them; however the thought of making Catherine scream my name in the lab has crossed my mind.

I have never had an STD I always have safe sex if that makes it any better. The last time I went out though, the woman's husband came home and caught us in the act. I jumped out of the window and ran down the street juggling all of my stuff, that's when I realized I had a problem.

Today is my first meeting... I look at myself in the mirror and quickly throw my LVPD hat in the backseat. I roll down my sleeves; I slowly walk inside to see only a few people setting up for the meeting.

"Hello I'm Dr. Greene, what is your name?" a short bald head stocky man says, I just stare at the man as if my name has escaped my thoughts. I am starting to second guess myself, maybe this was a bad idea. "Are you here for the SAA meeting?" the man says probably sensing my discomfort; I raise an eyebrow in confusion. "Sex Addicts Anonymous"

"Yes..." I whisper I feel my stomach just become a mess of knots.

The meeting starts and I see the most beautiful woman in the world. She had brown wavy brown with highlights and bright green eyes she is just gorgeous. She is not the usual type I fall for but she's so pretty. I feel myself staring at her I quickly look down trying to think about anything except for her.

"Welcome back but before we get started I see a new face... Sir?" Dr. Greene says to me I nervously scratch my head and slowly stand. Besides the doctor and myself there were five other people, two guys and three women.

"Hi, my name is Nick"

"Hello Nick why are you here?"

"I'm addicted to sex"

"Okay" Greene says I sit as Greene stands. "Sex addiction isn't like most addictions because it can't be thrown away. Sex is a way of life and something that makes relationships healthy. Not having sex is not healthy but having group sex with strangers is not healthy. What you need to be able to understand is that you can have a healthy sexual relationship" everyone starts nodding. "Nick, what do you do for a living?" I'm not telling these people what I do.

"...I'm kinda in between jobs right now" I lie.

"What triggered you to come to this meeting?"

"A friend of mine recently passed away... And there is just so much other stuff but that's the main one"

"That brings us to the subject of today's session... Let's go around. Tell your name and when you realized you were a sex addict" this is awkward and weird, but it will be interesting.

"Well I'll go first my name is Jeff... I think I realized I had a problem was out partying just to get laid. My longtime girlfriend broke up with me after I cheated on her for the hundredth time, then I lost my job I realized that sex was just taking so much of my time I didn't want to do anything else" Jeff says, he looks very young he has wild hair he reminds me somewhat of Greg just not as happy or fun.

"Thanks Jeff... Niki, do you mind sharing?" Greene says to a Hispanic woman with big earrings and curly hair she was a curvy.

All I want is to kiss this beautiful woman sitting across from me. I want to run my fingers through her wavy hair. I imagine us feasting on each other's body for hours; I imagine putting hickeys all over her smooth skin. I want to feel her nails dig into my back and hear her whisper and moan in my ear.

I close my eyes and try and shake the image out of my head.

"Thanks for sharing Niki... Jenny" Jenny it suits her nice

"My name is Jenny" she says in a small southern accent "I think I've been a sex addict my whole life. My other therapist believes it has something to do with my molestation when I was younger. But I was going out hooking up with strangers in club bathrooms I had lost all self respect and self control"

"Thanks for sharing you almost bring up another good point. How many of you were molested?" Greene asks all of us but Jeff raise our hand. "How many of you told your parents?" only Niki raises her hand. "How did that work out for you?"

"Not too good if I'm here... My parents didn't believe and said it was my fault" Niki says ashamed.

"You all realize that it is not your fault" Greene says we all nod. "Here we deal with all sort of ages, people, and situation and levels of addiction.

Everyone is different in terms of their addiction and recovery but coming to these meetings is the first step to recovery"

The rest of meeting the other people telling stories about their journeys living with sex addiction.

"Alright that's enough for today. I'll see you all next week" everyone starts to leave as do I. "Nick" Greene says I go back to him and he hands a card "here's my card. Give me a call if you need to talk"

"Thanks doc" I take the card and put it into my wallet.

I reply all the stories they told in my head, this has been an eventful day. At least I have time to process all of this information but I don't know if this is for me.

I unlock my jeep and see Jenny resting on the driver side door. I immediately look down and gently shake my head.

"You're Nick right?" she says I smile

"Yea you're Jenny right?" she smiles

"Yea" she says biting her lip she lightly touches my chest "listen we will get in trouble if people see us talking outside... Do you have a pen?" she says I hand her my pen and she takes my hand. She writes her number on the inner of my forearm. "Give me a call sometime or text" she says leaving.

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Not my usual stuff. Reviews? How do you feel about Nick's addiction?


	2. Lies to a Quick Recovery

Addiction

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI

Ch2: Lies to a Quick Recovery

Please Review and Enjoy!

This is not my usual stuff so please review, this is of the darker nature of addiction...

* * *

I am currently at a crime scene of a home invasion.

My sex addict anonymous meeting was two days ago, and since then my mind has been straight.

I have never felt so focused, I haven't gone 'out' in days either.

Right now though I'm outside looking for the point of entry. I feel my phone vibrate. '1 new message from Jenny' I smile, Jenny is not a girl you would bring home once but one I would rather take her out and wine and dine her.

'Heyyy'

'Hey' I write back, I continue to search for the entry point.

'Do you want to go out for coffee? Nothing more of course'

'Sure I wouldn't have it any other way... Why did you say we weren't allowed to talk?' I send back I hear footsteps behind me.

"Who you texting Nicky?" Catherine asks I feel goose bumps on my neck. What do I tell her?

"A friend" she looks at my phone

"Jenny? Where did you meet her?"

"Umm at the grocery store" smooth, I can't tell her I met her at sex addicts anonymous. I know that the team is like my family but you don't tell your family everything, this is better for me to handle.

"Smooth..."

"Thanks... Anyway I think point of entry is the basement window" I swab a strange substance by the window it was slightly sticky.

"I just got word that the male victim Larry Rid died on the operating table and the female victim Yvette Rid is in critical condition still unconscious" there is a moment of silence slightly. "When you finish up out here meet me inside"

'People at group will get the wrong idea... It's against the rules'

'Oh I understand'

* * *

I'm doing paperwork at my desk or at least trying to but in a couple hours on a date with a beautiful woman who also happens to be a sex addict. This could be really bad she told me she's been... I guess the word would be sober? She said she's been sober for a month and a half so if anyone were to do anything it would be me.

I can do this... I hope.

"I got the results of the sticky trace you found in the basement window" Hodges says walking right into my office.

"What is it?"

"Pen ink"

"Pen ink?"

"Yea the perp must have used a pen to break the window open and the pen exploded"

"That's a new one" I take the file and start reading.

"To me it's seems like the perp is younger by the method of entry... At science camp a friend of mine did the same thing to break into the girls' dorm"

"Sweet geek love" I say chuckling "I wouldn't put this past a kid but it seems like just too much rage for a kid"

"I don't need to remind you of Jason McCann do I?"

"No... But not all kids are evil there is just not enough evidence to say anything about our killer's age" I reply Hodges leaves defeated.

* * *

I sit at a cozy coffee shop; the waitress gives me my cup of coffee. I yawn. I just have two goals for this 'date' not to sleep with Jenny and not to fall asleep.

"Nick?" I hear her say from behind me her hand gently touches my shoulder. She sits across from me.

"Hey Jenny"

"Hey Nick... How are you?"

"I'm good, you?"

"I'm alright" she says smiling an awkward silence takes over. "Where you from? I hear an accent"

"I'm from Dallas... What about you?"

"I'm from Austin... How about that?" she smiles

"That's funny... How'd you end up in Vegas?"

"I wanted to become a dancer. Vegas are the place for shows... What about you?"

"Work" I say sipping my coffee

"What do you do?"

"I'm working in between security jobs right now"

"Oh"

"What do you do?"

"I'm a stripper" she says I raise my eyebrows "it's only for the time being I'm getting a nursing job at desert palms I should be starting within the week"

"You're an RN?"

"Yea I was just waiting for a job to open up"

"Congratulations"

"Thanks" she smiles I want to compliment her but I don't want her to get the wrong idea.

Another awkward silence.

"You want to go for a walk?" she says I look hesitate at her but nod.

"Sure" we walk outside the wind blows and her hair flows freely with it.

"How long you been living in Vegas?"

"About 15 years, you?"

"About five and a half... I lived in California for a while before I came here" the conversation falls dry yet again as we sit on a park bench.

I watch her tuck her wavy hair behind her hair as she puts a pair of sunglasses on. She turns and looks at me I immediately feel myself blush as she catches me staring at her.

"Sorry I didn't mean to stare..." I smile looking away.

"It's fine... I think it's cute" she lightly touches my cheek.

"Thanks" I whisper I feel my urges start to creep up on me.

"Listen I got to go... I'll text you later" she lightly holds my hand before leaving.

"Bye," I whisper she leaves and I feel my heart go from racing and slowly return to a normal beat.

* * *

Saturday... I pull into a center where the SAA meeting is held. I walk inside the room I am not as nervous as I was before.

"I'm glad to see that everyone has returned. Let's go around and share what you guys have been up to this week. Nick, do you mind sharing?"

"Nope I'll share... I went on a date with a beautiful woman"

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Nope"

"Did you want to?"

"Of course I did she was gorgeous" I exclaim realizes how shallow that makes me sound.

"Do you usually sleep with women that are gorgeous?"

"Well yea but never like her"

"Do you feel though that you only feel that way because you didn't sleep with her?"

"I don't think so. Don't call me shallow but we all look at a person and do somewhat judge them by their appearance. Their looks are what make you approach the person, but there personality is what makes you stay"

"I disagree I've hit it with people I thought were ugly or not the best looking" Jeff says

"How many of you have had sex with someone of the same sex?" Greene asks everyone except for me and the guy, Chad, raise their hand.

"Hey you have an itch you got to get it scratch" Jeff says I immediately feel a new disgust for him. I don't dislike gay people I truly don't.

"How many of you have paid for a prostitute? Or have been paid for in exchange for sex?" this time I'm the only one who doesn't raise a hand.

"Oh my..." I say rubbing my head shaking the disbelief out of my mind. I either got my addiction right in the nick of time or I'm not addicted like they are, maybe I'm not even addicted.

"What we too messed up for you?" Jeff yells at me "you too good for us?" he stands approaching me in a very hostile manner.

"Get out of here with all that. I never said that"

"Actions speak louder than words"

"C'mon man. I never meant any harm" I stand up trying to negotiate with the young man. Greene stands as well standing between us. I look at Greene and the next thing I know I feel my eye stingy and burn. Jeff just punched me. I stumble back tripping over my chair; I feel my head hit the cold floor. I roll over and cover my eye it's warm to the touch and I can feel it starting to swell.

I get to my feet very slowly. I try to open my eye but it won't. Greene and Chad have Jeff restrained against the wall.

* * *

The next day I meet Catherine at a crime scene. We arrive at a burglary scene within minutes of each other.

"Nicky what happened to your eye?" she asks as we walk underneath the tape.

"Oh... umm... I got this playing ball at the gym" I lie. I feel like I have been doing a lot of lying these last couple days.

"You should be more careful" she says I just smile at her.

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Please Review! Is there a relapse in Nick's future or is he on the road to recovery?


	3. Stroke the Stokes

Addiction

Disclaimer: own nothing

Please Review

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Ch3: Stroke the Stoke

I feel urges like I have never felt before maybe it was the case or maybe it's because I'm a shitty person. I sit emotionless at my desk I know if I go home I'll go out and go home with a stranger. I decide to call Dr. Greene.

"Greene"

"Hey Doc its Nick I was wondering if I could meet up with you somewhere"

"Sure I'm actually at the center right now so just come down"

"Ok"

* * *

I sit down across from the older man, wondering what I should tell him how much of myself to shed.

"Listen Nick whatever you tell is between me and you that's it. If you chose to bring up with the group that's your choice but I won't tell them"

"That's a relief doc"

"Anything I can do to help... So what's going on?"

"Doc I'm a CSI for LVPD and I think that is the reason for my addiction..."

"Like a coping mechanism for many police officers, that, and alcohol"

"I would be an alcoholic..."

"What stops you?"

"My heck schedule. I could never go to work drunk I lose my job"

"So why makes sex different?" he asks I scream to myself 'are you stupid?'

"Sex is different because I can go to work afterwards and not put my job at risk"

"What if a suspect or witness is a woman you have met up with the night before?"

"Avoid and deny, doc, avoid and deny" I say smirking but then hiding it flashing back to the times were that has happened.

"When was the last time you went out?" I think rubbing my black eye nervously counting the agonizing days.

"Nine days"

"Congrats!" I raise my eyebrow "Nick people with this addiction live with it for years trying to deal with it by themselves"

"Okay?"

"How do you know you're an addict?"

"See doc that's the thing I don't know if I am"

"Then why come to the meeting?" he asks but I shrug my shoulders not sure what to say "let's see Nick how many times a week would you go out?"

"I'm not sure like five maybe... Give or take"

"Each time did you hookup with someone?"

"Yea most of the time"

"How many times would you engage in sexual actions with your partner?"

"I'm not sure doc"

"What was the most? And least?"

"Most probably like ten least would obviously be one"

"Strangest place you ever had sex?"

"Courthouse bathroom with a defense attorney"

"Risky?" he says I nod "what makes you want to go out?"

"I've been through some tough stuff and I don't know... It makes me feel like I can do something right... Woman trust me, a stranger, and they bring me home or to their car"

"You like the trust the women give you"

"I guess"

"What do you do right?" he says I immediately blush even though I'm a sex addict talking about sex makes me feel uncomfortable. "Pleasuring a woman? You take pride in that?"

"Her body isn't mangled. Her body is beaten, raped, strung out, dead, or guilty of a crime. I remind them that the world isn't all evil"

"Are you a womanizer?"

"Probably..."

"Do you cheat often on your partners?"

"I'm never in a relationship long enough to cheat... My job scares a lot of people away"

"Do you tell the women you pick up what you do?"

"No... I don't want to scare them away and I don't want my bosses to hurry about the infamous playboy CSI I'll lose my job"

"I feel though it's not just your work though. I think that's what you blame it on because it's the obvious choice"

"What do you mind?"

"You're first sexual experience was against you're will... When was your first consensual sexual experience?"

"I was fourteen... It was a party. I had a lot of older friends. I made the varsity football team when I was in eighth grade"

"Fourteen is young"

"I wanted to fit in"

"What happened the last time you went out?" he says I immediately cringe at the thoughts of that train wreck.

"It was a disaster..."

* * *

_I was sitting at the bar when a woman sat next to me and introduced herself._

_"Hi I'm Lauren... What's your name?" she asks I flash a big smile at her. She's pretty, she is petite though maybe 5'2" maybe 110._

_"My name is Nick" I say smiling I gently touch her hand; she thinks it's in a flirty manner but I'm really checking for a wedding ring. "Care to dance,_

_Lauren?" I say making sure she hears my southern twang it usually makes girls melt, the whole southern gentleman routine._

_"Sure" she smiles taking my hand to the dance floor. A more upbeat song comes on and she slowly starts rubbing her bottom on the inner of my thigh._

_We leave shortly later her apartment was within walking distance of the bar._

_To make it a long story short we had sex. You ever said third time's the charm has a twisted meaning for the word charm._

_We were going at it again. I was doing stuff to her body I know that no one has done before. I was watched her eyes rolled back in her head telling me that she was enjoying herself which gives me great satisfaction. That and the fact she's a screamer._

_I hear someone coming as does she, she immediately puts her hands on my chest._

_"My husband is home" she says catching her breath_

_"Husband?" I say in a harsh whisper I slide out of her bed and put my boxers back on I start on my pants when the door bursts open. The man was at least twice my size._

_"Shannon!" the man yells. God damn she told me her name was Lauren! The man looks at me "who the hell are you?" he steps for me and I jump out the window hitting the bushes two stories below. I ran for about three or four blocks before I put the remainder of my clothes on._

* * *

"That doesn't sound good... Nick have you looked at Rehab facilities?"

"No doc I have to work"

"Nick I can tell that you are in a leadership position at the lab. You're worried that things will fall apart without you there"

"No. You make it sound like I am self centered"

"You don't feel that way"

"No! I put my life on the line everyday for people I don't even know! This was a mistake..." I say leaving, the one time I chose to open up about shit it just gets thrown back in my face.

"Nick please come back Saturday" Greene yells as I peel out.

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Please Review! Next chapter will have Jenny. How do you feel about Jenny? Is she a keeper?

In future chapters Nick will fight with his team and feels like Jenny is the only one he can trust...


	4. Clean

Addiction

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI

Please Review

* * *

Ch4: Clean

A month later... I've been 'fresh' for five weeks. Jenny calls it being fresh she laughs when I call it being sober. Jenny and I have been on five other dates and we haven't slept with each other. However after every date I feel the urges come back in full force and are stronger each and every time.

"Nick what do you do when you feel these urges?" Greene asks

"I lock my door. I push my ottoman in front of the door and drink until I pass out"

"You realize that you are substituting one addiction for another?"

"What do you want from me, doc?"

"What if you stop seeing this woman?"

"She's not the reason... If anything she stops me from going out and relapsing" I say, it's weird talking about Jenny and me in front of Jenny.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why does she stop you? Nick your addiction is different because yours is more about the connection you make with a stranger. You take the connection to the extreme by bringing a stranger home and being intimate. I feel like you're afraid of being alone Why does she stop you?"

"I don't want to be alone it's something I can chose, be alone or be out and social able I guess"

"Why are you scared?"

"I'm not sure..." I lie being alone is like being in that damn box or lying on the floor feeling my blood pool onto my face and neck.

"Think about it. Jenny you have been quiet these last couple meetings. What's going on?" Greene asks I smile but quickly hide it.

"I have entered a new relationship with this guy..." I love her accent it makes me think of better times back home "I was wondering... How do I know when is a good time to take it to the next level?" she asks playing with her hair.

"In terms of?"

"Doc, I think I want to have sex with him" I feel my blood start to pump faster my heart starts to race.

"Oh... Well it's a tough place. You have to make a decision if you feel like you are in a comfort level with each other. But it has to feel right... Not just a fix like it was before. And don't go crazy; everything is good in moderation"

* * *

I am on my way to ask for a DNA sample from a possible female suspect, this woman is truly rude and bitchy. She is a young business woman I respect her only because she is successful. However my respect will be short lived if this DNA matches the sample I recovered from her late business partner's body.

"Ugh it's you again... I'm going to file a harassment suit against you and the whole city!" Mrs. Phelps says, I see that threat at least twice a day.

"Mrs. Phelps all I need is a DNA sample and I'll be out of your hair"

"Why do you need my DNA?"

"To exclude you. If you refuse I have to get a warrant which means I'll be back"

"Do what you want?" she starts to walk inside her office I follow, the uniform officer that is with me, leaves to the restroom.

I put my kit on her desk as she lowers the blinds I start to watch her intently making sure she is never out of eye sight. I'm not getting shot again.

"I don't need rumors starting in my work... Are you going to take a blood sample?"

"nope just a painless swab in your mouth" I swab the inside of her mouth and then smile at her "all over" with people who are just going to be rude to no end it's important to just show politeness it frustrates them more than anything. "Have a good day Mrs. Phelps"

As I leave her office I see Officer Bryant leaving the restroom.

"You alright bud" I say hitting his shoulder in a friendly gesture.

"Sorry man... I let Sergeant Yonkers talk me into trying the new India food from down the street from the department... Everything work out with the suspect"

"Yea"

* * *

Catherine comes into my office as I'm on the phone with Jenny. Yesterday was her first day in the night shift in the emergency room.

"Nick this is crazy I have never seen so many alcoholics in my life... I swear I will never touch alcohol again. This is just too much"

"You'll be fine... I know it"

"Thanks Nick"

"No problem... I got to get back to work" I say not wanting to hang up but I don't want to talk in front of Catherine. I told Jenny the somewhat truth and said that I worked in law enforcement but didn't get into too much detail.

"I'll text you later"

"See you later" I hang up my phone. "What's up?"

"I need a reality check, Nicky my boy"

"Ok hit me with it"

"I have a teacher, female, sleeping with her teenage male students"

"Ok sounds pretty black and white"

"The case came about because the boys were bragging about it. They aren't traumatized, it's making it hard to find people to talk"

"They are they just don't know it... How old are the boys?" I ask but before she could answer...

"Stokes!" I hear Ecklie yell I feel knots on my stomach. I look at Catherine who looks confused too.

"Ecklie..." I stand Ecklie comes in my office with two officers.

"Stokes, you are suspended! I have it on good authority that you were inappropriate with a witness!"

"What?" is all I can say

"Dana Phelps says that you touched her inappropriately while getting a DNA sample earlier"

"That's a lie I never touched her!"

"She has a bruise on her arm and I have her statement!"

"Its lies I never touched her!"

"IAB will be running a thorough investigation but until then you are suspended and are not allowed to return until cleared!"

"I never touched her!" I slam my fists on my desk, my rage and anger overflowing in my veins.

"Stokes, if you don't leave quietly these officers are prepared to bring you out"

"Ecklie I never touched her!" the officer tries to grab me but I immediately shake off the grip. "This is bs I didn't do anything!" I hand him my id and sidearm.

* * *

I sit on the curb in front of the coffee shop, which is closed, that Jenny and I had our first date. I can't believe I am suspended...

I texted Jenny to meet me here. I don't know where she lives or her last name and she doesn't know my last name or where I live. We felt it was better this way.

"Nick!" I hear her yelp I stand and she hugs me. "What's wrong?" I slowly sit as does she.

"I haven't been completely honest with you... I'm not some security rent a cop"

"You're not..."

"No I'm an assistant supervisor for a crime lab.. I'm a CSI"

"What if I told you I already knew?" she says hiding a smile, I look at her in a mix of emotions.

"What?"

"I saw you in the paper, Nick... CSI Nick Stokes dusts for fingerprints on Wednesdays suspected home invasion" she says

"You've known?"

"I didn't want to confront because I knew you would tell me if you wanted to"

"Thanks..."

"What is wrong?"

"I'm suspended..."

"Why?"

"A woman claims I was inappropriate and that I tried to touch her... She's the prime suspect in her business partner's murder"

"Did you touch her?"

"No..."

"Then what's the problem? Why don't they believe you?"

"Because the officer who is suppose to be my back up was getting sick in the bathroom. So it's my word against hers after everything I've been through with the department I can't believe this" I feel myself start to cry

"Nick I believe you" I smile trying to compose myself, I wipe my face.

"Thanks for coming over... I can drive you home" I say.

"I'm staying at the Tangiers my apartment was broken into.. I'm waiting for my super to change the locks"

"Oh... Um... You can stay at my place if you want? I mean only... If umm..." she pulls me into a gentle kiss quieting my babble.

"I would love to stay over I can't think of anything safer then sleeping over at a CSI's house" she smirks at me.


	5. No I in Team

Addiction

Disclaimer: own nothing

Please Review an Enjoy! There's a little 2nd POV going on here in the beginning hope you don't mind.

Love Reviews

Ch5: No I in Team

* * *

I awake slowly happy to see Jenny still asleep. I lightly kiss her shoulder. I look back a little to look at her beautiful bare back; there are a few tattoos of roses. I hold her close careful not to disturb her. I slowly caress her back with my free hand her body is phenomenal. Her hands on tightly on mine.

I hope you don't mind me if I over-share a little but me, a recovery sex addict, made love with this beautiful woman, who is also a recovery sex addict. We followed Dr. Greene's advice by not going crazy. We made love twice before sleeping, but it was something so much more.

Two months ago I would have brought home a stranger and rocked her world all night long, but I would have felt cold and depressed afterwards. Or I would sneak out to avoid confrontation or anything that would be expected of me afterwards. But this... Words can't explain.

I kiss her shoulder gently again careful not to wake her. She brings my hands to her mouth and kisses them gently.

"I didn't wake you did I?"

"No your phone keeps going off"

"Oh I'm sorry..." I reach for it on the nightstand. I have two missed calls from Catherine and a text that said call me probably her just warning me that IAB is there or on their way. "You hungry?" I ask kissing her neck.

"Yea..."

"I'll make something" I slide out of bed and throw on a pair of sweat pants on as Jenny watches me.

"Sexy..." she giggles as I put on my Texas a&M shirt on I smile at her before jumping onto my bed and tickling her. We both fall into a laughing mess, before we suppress it into kisses. "I hate be the party pooper..." Jenny says as our kisses start to heat up.

"You're right" I immediately pull away

"Oh Nick" she says playing with my hair. She cups my face and kisses me sweetly. "You are very sweet... But that's not what I went. I'm a little sore it's been a while since I used, well, those muscles. But you are right too... Moderation" she drawls the last word.

"I'm going to make breakfast" I say kissing her forehead.

After fifteen minutes she comes out her hair in a messy up-do, my dress shirt, and a pair of glasses on. She sits on the stool in the kitchen and watches me cook.

"Hmm do I smell pancakes?" she says smiling at me.

"Yup..." I hand her a plate.

* * *

Meanwhile... Catherine sits across from IAB Agent, she feels slightly nervous she tried to call Nick to have him explain what happened but he never answered.

"CSI Willows do you want your union rep present?" Agent Torres asks her.

"No..."

"How long have you been working with CSI Stokes?"

"Almost 13 years"

"Recently how would you describe his behavior?"

"He's been alright a kid tried to blow out his house just a couple months ago but he's alright"

"Really because other people have called his behavior erratic irritable and distant"

"He's been under a lot of stress but he's always been professional"

"What do you call his actions towards Mrs. Phelps?"

"His alleged actions!" she exclaims "Nick would never be inappropriate with a suspect. Mrs. Phelps is the prime suspect in a murder"

"That doesn't excuse his actions"

"Nick says he didn't do anything and I believe him"

"You better hope he doesn't drag you down with him"

"He won't because he didn't do anything I trust him"

"That's all for now, CSI Willows"

Catherine joins the rest of her team in the break room. No one wants to speak

Nick's behavior has been erratic and he has been distant, but no one did anything to help him. They thought he would be alright but they wanted to believe Nick but they did have doubt.

No one spoke. No one truly defended him either. Nick's usual seat was empty however the team looks at the chair as if Nick would just appear and tell everyone that it would be ok and make everyone laugh. Nick would have defended any of them till it was over and he didn't receive the same courtesy.

"Where is that damn CSI!" a man yelled slamming his fists on the reception area scaring poor Judy. "Where is CSI Stokes?" the man yells throwing a chair. Brass came out followed by Catherine and the team.

"Sir!" Brass yells "what do you need?"

"Where's CSI Stokes?"

"Who are you sir?"

"Tim Phelps... CSI Stokes touched my wife she was so upset she didn't come home last night! Where is he? Is that him? I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!" Phelps says lunging at Greg.

"CSI Stokes is not here! We are running an internal investigation and we will handle CSI Stokes. Go home and be with your wife" Brass says the disgruntled man leaves.

* * *

I awake on the couch with Jenny who is still in my arms she rubs my chest.

"Hey sleepy head" she says smiling; it has been a long time since I took a nap or slept all the way through the night for that matter.

"When do you have to be at work?"

"Well its Sunday my day off" she says straddling my hips "so what do you want to do today?"

"I don't know..."

"How about the movies or a picnic... Or we could just go out because we both know what will happen if we stay here" I chuckle my cell phone rings again "I'll be right back" she walks into the bathroom. I look at my phone '1 missed call from Catherine'

I debate whether to return her call or not, I walk outside and grab my paper. I have to call her back.

"Willows"

"Hey it's me... What's going on?"

"I just spoke to IAB an hour ago"

"Okay... How's the team doing?"

"There alright..."

"Good... Catherine you have to believe that I didn't touch her" I say trying to open my mailbox but it feels stuck so I give up and put my focus into the conversation.

"I do Nick"

"You don't sound like it... Do you think I did be honest?"

"I don't know Nick... I do believe you"

"Wait until IAB clears me! Because I didn't do anything!"

"Nicky..."

"Don't Nicky me! Ecklie accuses me of this fallacious charge loud enough for the whole lab to hear! The whole lab turned their back on me!"

"Nick I'm sorry... I didn't call to argue. I called to check on you and to tell you to be careful"

"Why?"

"Because Mrs. Phelps husband was here and he is out for your blood"

"Somebody married that awful woman..." I say astonished I try to open my mailbox again I hear footsteps behind me I look and I feel something hit my forehead. My vision is blurred I feel an awful pain in my head I feel blood start to trickle down my face. I reach for my phone but my arms don't move.

My body feels limp I'm being held up by my shirt collar, I blink trying to focus my vision but I struggle to open them. I feel sleepy...

I open my eyes and see flashing lights and police cars my vision focuses on the police cars surrounding my house. I try to stand but I feel the barrel of a gun press hard against my temple.

I realize that I'm in no position to fight back I raise my hands and straighten my body out but I realize I'm on my knees.

"You tell them what you did to my wife?" the man yells I wipe the blood on my forehead.

"I didn't do anything to your wife!" I yell looking around looking around for Jenny. I feel the man kick me in the ribs he grabs me by my collar and uses me as a shield.

"Tell them what you did?"

"I went into office took a DNA sample and left that is all!" I feel the weapon press harder into my temple the pain from the laceration shoots across my whole body. "I didn't touch your wife!"

"She says you did!"

"She lies!" he kicks me again. What do I do? Do I confess to save my life and lose my job? Or do I tell the truth and hope for the best? My team wouldn't let me die would they? They believed I touched Mrs. Phelps so fuck them!

"Say it or I'll blow your brains out!"

"Then do it... I won't lie! I swear to god I didn't touch your wife" I say putting my hands in my knees giving up. "If you're gonna kill me then do it already..." I feel awful my team doesn't believe and now I'll be plastered on the news as the touchy CSI.

"No you say it! Confess!"

"I'm a terrible person... I can't change me..." I'm taking the easy way out. Is that why I went to SAA meetings risking my career and reputation just to get a piece of mind and bear some kind of understanding on myself. "No! No! I was a terrible person but I'm not anymore and I wouldn't risk my career on some quick grab ass on a murder suspect!" I look around for my team or, Jenny, somebody! I see Jenny sitting in an ambulance still wearing my dress shirt, I smile to myself. She's okay.

I see his leg coming for another kick his leg strikes my tender ribs but I grab it and slam him as hard as I can down. As if I am slamming all of my demons out, evils, and sins with him. His head thuds loudly when it bounces against the pavement. He falls unconscious, I stand kicking his weapon away. SWAT comes as I walk away looking for Jenny I walk past my team.

Jenny leaps off the ambulance and runs to me she jumps onto me hugging me. She wraps her legs around my waist I tuck her hair behind her ear kissing her forehead.

"Are you alright?" she says to me I smile

"Yes are you?"

"If you are I am" she says kissing me. I put her down but she tightly holds onto my arm.

"Nicky!" Catherine says hugging me "are you alright?"

"I'm fine" I say "Catherine this is Jenny" Jenny smiles extending her hand

Catherine shakes it.

"I'm Catherine Nick's boss"

"It's nice to meet you" Jenny says, the team stares at her I can see then judging her in their minds. But they don't know her and they don't know how she makes me happy.

* * *

Nicky is mad at the team will it last? Would you be mad at the team if you are Nick?


	6. Sticks and Stones

Addiction

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Ch6: Stick and Stones

* * *

At the hospital... The doctor diagnosed me with a concussion now I'm waited for him to stitch me up. Jenny has been with me this whole time never letting go of my hand except for when I had to get x-rays.

"I didn't spook you too much did I?" I ask she smiles

"I wouldn't be still here would I?" I kiss her "you did scare me"

"I'm sorry"

"What about you cowboy?"

"You heard the doc I have a concussion"

"I know that but what about... The insides... You seem jump still, which is normal"

"I just mad that that idiot found out where I was livin'... After McCann tried to blow up my house I made sure no one would find my address..." her eyes instantly grow wide I realize that she's not a member of my team she doesn't know or deal with this on a day-to-day like my team.

"Someone tried to blow up your house?"

"Yeah..." damn I just stepped in it. Me and my damn mouth.

"Why?" she asks what do I say? I killed his brother because I was jumpy after being blown up and shot but was too stupid to admit it.

"Umm..." I scratch my head thinking of my next move. I pull my hand away from hers standing up looking away.

"Nick... You don't have to tell me right now. Talk to me when you're ready?" she kisses me on the cheek.

"Thanks" I say like a chump.

"You know, when I was on the wrong path I stopped at a church. I was homeless poor hungry and an emotional wreck. I knew I was a sex addict among other things. I went inside and it was empty I cried for the longest time before a woman came up to me she placed this on my neck..." she says putting a shiny necklace with a cross on it, around my neck. "She told me to be strong and I unloaded everything about to this stranger. She handed me Doctor Greene's card and said _Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then. Put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations, and say continually: "The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart has trusted in Him and I am helped. He is not only with me but in me, and I in Him." _I'm not religious Nick but it helps to believe in a little something every now and then"

* * *

Meanwhile... Wendy was visiting and decided to meet up with Mandy at a small cafe they were going to catch up on lab gossip.

"How's Portland?" Mandy says sitting across from her friend.

"It's colder" they both laugh "so what's going on at the lab? Hodges said there was drama"

"Capital letters drama"

"Oh dish"

"So Nick was suspended because a suspect accused Nick of groping her while he taking her DNA"

"What about the backup officer?"

"Backup officer was conveniently in bathroom sick... The woman's husband comes in saying he's coming kill Nick and stuff. He goes to Nick's house and attacks him holds him at gunpoint while Nick's girlfriend is inside"

"Girlfriend? Who's he dated?"

"How on, let me get to that in a second. Nick ends up body slamming the guy so Nick's alright... But word is around the lab that Nick's new girlfriend is a former hooker and she's a stripper"

"Gross... Well at least he has a type"

"That's not even the best part; I think this is where it gets sketchy because someone said that his girlfriend is a sex addict and that they met at SAA meetings?"

"SAA meetings, really?" they both breakout into laughter "it could be true though, now that I think about it"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't tell anyone" Wendy says

"I promise now spill it"

"At my going away party I went home with... Nick"

"What?" Mandy yelps

"Shh..."

"Sorry... Details" Mandy demands Wendy blushes. "Well not details... But how was it?" she says discreetly Wendy just smiles

"He's a great lover to say the least... He can last, and he's a freak in the sheets" the women laugh.

"Really?" Mandy asks

"Yea..."

"Nice..." Mandy grimaces

"If you had a choice to sleep with someone in the lab, chose Nick" they laugh again.

"Where would I have been in a situation like that?"

"I don't know but that man knows his way around the bedroom and how to please a woman"

"Alright we need to change the topic because this is getting a little tmi"

* * *

Catherine was sitting at her desk Nick was at the hospital and it was evident he was anger with the team. She sees Greg pacing around like he wants to come inside.

"Greg? Come inside. I spoke with Nick he's going to fine"

"It's not that... It's Jenny?"

"What about her?" Catherine says immediately suspicious.

"I recognize her from a case"

"What case?"

"The human trafficking and prostitution ring case where that sixteen year old was murdered"

"How was she involved?" Catherine says Greg hands her the old case file.

"She was one of the girls... She was a prostitute"

"Jennifer Wright... That's her" Catherine says disappointed reading the file.

"that's not all Cath... she has a daughter. ACS took her away when we busted the ring"

"oh..."

"What do we do?"

"Keep this to yourself. I'll talk to him"

* * *

Reviews? What are your reactions to Jenny's skeletons in the closet? is it good or bad for her?


	7. Worlds Collide

Addiction

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Ch7: Worlds Collide

* * *

I come into work after another great night with Jenny. She took care of my bruised ribs and concussion for me besides she is a RN. Besides some stitches and bruises I'm fine and Mrs. Phelps confessed that she was lying in hopes of making the case go away. Still I feel as if my team gave up on me. Jenny tried to get me to think about it from there point of view and she used other ways but the hurt is still there. And I don't think it will go away from one good day at the Tangiers although it did help.

Jenny is the best even though I disagree with her about this. Jenny is everything I want in a woman. She's beyond beautiful, she's smart, caring, super funny, and she always makes me happy and knows what to say. I think I'm falling for her but I've only known her for a short while it's not normal but nothing about our relationship is.

I walk into my office after spending the whole shift at a crime scene and find Catherine already sitting inside I wonder why she is here.

"Hey Cath"

"Hey Nicky I heard IAB cleared you"

"Yea" I say sitting across from her checking my email "what's going on, Cath?"

"I don't know how to say this Nick"

"C'mon Cath you've never been one to be around the bush... Spit it out" I say predicting and fearing what she is gonna say.

"I recognize Jenny..."

"Ok. From where?"

"From a prostitution ring a year ago. Then again she was arrested for prostitution again with human trafficking six months ago, she was ordered to sex addiction rehab"

"Cath I don't care" I say not looking at the file as she tries to push it to me.

"Nicky... Believe me I'm one for a good time but if she is addicted it's something different" she hands it to me; I swat it out of her hand. I regain myself in a deep breath.

"Cath I said I don't care"

"Nicky... I'm looking out for you"

"Don't"

"Nick listen I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm really not so please relax" she says which only makes my frustration grow.

"Don't tell me to relax! She had problems in the past... The past is the past"

"But if she's addicted to sex what else is she addicted too"

"Nothing! She doesn't smoke! She doesn't drink! She doesn't do drugs! She's a nurse now!"

"Nick..."

"Where do you think I met...?" I stop myself "You know what Cath, you were the last person I expected this from! Why don't you just stay out of my love life? Okay?"

"Where did you meet her?"

"Don't fucking worry about it" I knock off my own hat as my anger and rage take a hold of me. "Let's just worry about cases for now on" I say leaving to the locker room, I hear her following me.

"Nicky forget I even said anything. I'm just trying to look at for you, but c'mon Nicky... a sex addict"

"I'm so not having this conversation... Bye Cath" I say interrupting her and storming out.

* * *

I try to compose myself as I drive home I can't believe this. Catherine is my best friend I ant believe she would act like that. I never said anything about the guys she dated maybe I complained once about Eddie but that was after he smacked her around.

My phone starts ringing I look at the screen 'Jenny' I feel a smile spread on my face.

"Hey" I say

"Hey what are you up to crime fighter?"

"Just heading home. What about you, life saver?" I say trying to hide that I'm upset.

"Nothing just relaxing... You sound upset is everything alright?"

"Yea just a tough day at work... I got into a disagreement with Catherine?"

"Disagreement? Or fight?"

"A fight its silly don't worry about it I'll be okay"

"Okay... There's a benefit dinner tomorrow that both lithe hospital and PD has been invited to... so I was wondering if a certain sexy Texan would be my date?"

"Sure I'd love too"

"You wanna come over?"

"I would be I have court first thing in the morning which is only in a couple hours" I say I hear her try to cover up a yawn.

"Call me afterwards"

"Okay I will go to bed sleepy head"

"Good luck"

"Night"

"Good night"

* * *

I wake up twenty minutes late and I split my coffee on my lap when I was leaving. It was a rough morning to say the least that and I'm running on two hours of sleep. I finally arrive at court fifteen minutes late; I sneak inside and sit in the back away from Catherine and the team.

"We will resume in a week from today" the judge declares banging the gavel. What the... What is going on? If I went through all that just for the case to get pushed back someone is getting hit.

"Oh hey Nick you look like you slept in a sewer grate" Greg says, I realize I look like shit but it's just been one of those days.

"What's going on?"

"You didn't hear he got pneumonia... Trial postponed but it looks like he's going take the plea bargain" Greg says pointing to the prosecutor and defense attorney talking.

"Oh"

"Yea we are going out to celebrate? You coming?"

"Nah I'm going to meet with someone" I say moving trying not to feel my wet pants.

"Oh the famous Jenny" Greg says I feel my rage overcome my body.

"What do you mean famous?" I say somewhat harshly.

"Nothing calm down cowboy it was a joke... Are you going to the benefit tonight?"

"Yea..." I say leaving. I feel my phone vibrate I look and the coffee wrecked the screen. It's very dim I can sort of see '1 -w mess-ge fr-m Cathe-ne' I open the message _'are you a sex addict?'_ I very anger and rage that I have never fled before I throw my phone on the ground.

* * *

Reviews? The lab knows? Does the lab know or is Nick assuming the worst?


	8. Lose My Mind

Addiction

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* * *

Ch8: Lose My Mind

I knock on Jenny's door almost hoping she doesn't answer but she does. I try to look happy and okay but I can't even pretend too. She sees that I'm upset I look down ashamed. I feel her hand gently caress my cheek.

"What's wrong, Nick?" she whispers I shake my head not knowing where to begin

"Come in" she gently takes my hand and brings me inside; I lazily sit on the bed she sits next to me. "What's wrong Nick? You can talk to me?"

"Catherine knows that I'm a sex addict... I'll probably lose my job"

"Why?"

"Because she thinks I'm a freak some pervert"

"How do you know?"

"Because that disagreement we had was because they found out about you and that you were a sex addict!" I exclaim

"Nick you won't lose your job because you're not a sex addict... Not anymore. Nick you're a recovering sex addict in a healthy relationship and if your friends can't see that... Then it's a shame but you can't blame yourself"

"Why? When, this is my fault?"

"It's not. Listen to yourself. You're talking like an addict" she says grabbing my face making me look at her. "You're better than that Nick"

"I know but my team has been my family"

"My father threw me out when I told him I was a sex addict" she says I look down again feeling stupid "Nick your team can still be your family. They're just really confused about it they don't know what to say or how to help. Give them time and they'll come around" she says I smile. She always knows what to say and make me feel better and somewhat foolish for not knowing myself.

"Thanks" I say yawning

"c'mon let's get some sleep before our big dinner" she says cuddling against me I rest back against the bed and drift off to sleep.

I wake up a little later. I smell sweet pear in the air I feel steam so I assume she's in the shower. I walk over to the bathroom and lightly knock on the door.

"Jenny"

"Hey Nick... You care to join me?" I smirk

* * *

Jenny and I arrive to the benefit fairly late or as she called it fashionably late. I had a tux on she had a form fitting spaghetti strap dress on that covered all but one of her tattoos it made her green eyes just pop. Her hair flows down in loose curls around her shoulders.

The usher brings us to our table I stop when I see Catherine; Jenny takes my hand bringing to the table.

"Hi Nick, Jenny" she says lightly hugging Jenny before leaving to the dance floor with Vartann. We sit at the table drinking a glass of water, disregarding the glass of wine.

"Cheer up Nick this is for a good cause" she says playing with my bowtie.

"I am cheery" I say tickling her slightly she yelps into a laughing fit I stop when other people start to stare.

"I would get you back but you have bruised ribs... So I'll be the adult one in this situation" she says fixing her hair fighting her own laughter trying to pretend to be serious.

"Adult?" I say pulling her onto my lap.

"Nick" she yelps again I smile. "I'm glad you're happy"

"Let's dance" I say holding my hand out

"Aren't we feeling romantic?" she says taking my hand.

We dance to a soft song its smooth and soothing us. She slowly starts massaging the area around my tender ribs.

"I'm not hurting you am I?"

"No" I truly enjoy her company I always have fun with her. She's funny, smart, compassionate, and very attractive.

We dance for a few minutes we really just stood there holding each other. I felt someone touch my back I look and it was Catherine.

"Can I talk to you?" she asks softly

"Umm..." I say

"Go, I have to the bathroom" Jenny says scurrying off.

"Outside" Catherine says I follow her to the parking garage besides for the cars it was empty.

"What's up Cath?"

"Are you a sex addict?"

"What?"

"Are you a sex addict? The word around the lab, is that's where you met Jenny?"

"Word around the lab. We've been friends for thirteen and you're asking around the lab"

"You've been acting like a jerk these last couple days! It makes sense"

"I have a couple bad days because my team thinks a groped a suspect. My life gets turned upside down and that makes me a sex addict" I walk closer to her.

"Yes..."

"You're ridiculous" I don't know what has come over me theses last couple days. But everything that I have been bottling in trying to handle myself is now taking control of me.

I pin Catherine down on the hood of a car, her wrists above her head. She tries to push away but I'm stronger than her.

"Nick..." she says, I move to her ear my waist touching hers.

"I'm a recovering sex addict and then you come in here with your little ass... A month ago best believe I would wreck you for any other man right now" I whisper harshly.

"Nick..."

"Shut up..." her eyes light up with lust "talking is what is getting you in trouble... I love Jenny regardless of what you and the lab thinks. Leave her alone! So tell them that" I release her from my grip and leave back to the hall.

I slowly walk inside and see Greg and Jenny talking, Jenny looks really uncomfortable. I start to head in their direction when Jenny takes off in a sprint sobbing she crashes into me.

"Jenny, what's wrong?" I ask trying to hold she swats and pushes me away

"Leave me alone!" she says in a hard sob

"Jenny..." she pushes me away slapping me in the face and runs off to the door.

"Leave me alone!" she cries, I let go of her and she runs to the door. The stinging pain I feel in face is nothing to compare to the heartbreak I feel. What happened? I chuckle sinisterly to myself before I turn to Greg I walk towards him shoving him hard.

"What did you say to her?" I yell in Greg's face it's his fault she's upset. He shoves me back surprising me.

"She's not good for you Stokes! I'm trying to look out for you!"

"Stay out of my business!"

"Oh what you don't like it? You gave me so much shit for dating a burlesque dancer!"

"She was a stripper and involved a murder investigation!"

"And yours is a whore!" Greg yells I feel rage that I have never felt before.

I've been through so much in my life and for someone to judge my decisions let alone upset someone that makes me happy. I look at the young CSI who I can tell already regrets his choice of words. He opens his mouth and I punch him.

Vartann grabs me and separates us. I see everybody circling around us like a high school fight.

"I'm looking out for you man you don't know what you are getting yourself into... You don't know her or the stuff she's done!" Greg says

"I know enough about her!"

"You don't know, though!"

"Do you want me to hit you?" I yell Vartann holds me back.

"How's old her daughter? What's her name?" I'm immediately taken back. Daughter? She never said anything about a daughter or anything to make me think she even had one. I push Vartann away and head for the door nearly tackling Catherine on my way.

* * *

Reviews? How do you like the way Nick confronted Catherine? The more the quicker the bnext chapter Ineed suggestions


	9. Where's Jenny

Addiction

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* * *

Ch9: Where's Jenny?

I called Jenny. There was no answer, so I called again and again. I filled up her voicemail and I still got no answer.

I decide to send her a text message. I just wrote please call me I didn't want to pour my heart out in a text message but she wouldn't answer her phone.

I walk to my jeep and just sit inside trying to make some sense of what has happened in the last hour.

I damn near raped Catherine in the parking lot but... I know I shouldn't say this but I'm pretty sure Catherine knew what would have happened if I was a weaker man. To think that I almost just had sex with my best friend and I don't even know why I almost fell for my urges.

I feel my phone vibrate and check it from Jenny she writes 'nick... I can't talk now I'll call you tomorrow just go home'

I call Doctor Greene he's the only one a can talk to I know he won't judge me.

"Greene" he says I feel speechless.

"Hey doc it's Nick"

"Hey Nick, what's going on?"

"I need to see you" I say practically breaking down.

"Ok... Ok... Come to the center Nick I will meet you there"

"Ok"

I met Greene outside the center it was obvious that it was closed down. I took a seat next to him.

"You get all dressed up for me?" he said I gave him a half hearted smile.

"The department ran a benefit dinner in conjunction with desert palms hospital"

"How was that?"

"Uh..." I say scratching my head.

"What happened?"

"The girl I've been seeing is a nurse at desert palms and... the whole day just started bad and got even... Worse"

"What happened?"

"First I was late for court and then my friend of 13 years asked me if I was a sex addict..."

"What did you tell her?" he says I stand and start pacing around.

"I destroyed my phone but then at the benefit she wouldn't let it go... She asked me again... and again" I cover my face.

"Nick... What did you do?" I'm not sure why but I start to cry.

"Jenny left me... I feel like I don't even know her or myself... Then I..." I can't bring myself to say it.

"Nick! What did you do?"

"I forced myself on her... I almost raped her!"

"Who?"

"My friend"

"The one who confronted you?"

"Yea... I don't even know why my urges just got too strong"

"But you didn't rape her"

"No... No... Of course not... I could never do that to... Jenny" I realize I just confessed to breaking one of the rules of SAA.

"Jenny as in Nurse Jenny from SAA?"

"Yes..." I drawled.

"I already knew you guys were together... You're not the only one I have had one on one with"

"Oh... But that doesn't change anything. My team was so focused in on my life they went digging in her past and now I don't know what to believe"

"How do you feel?"

"Confused... I really like Jenny and I mean really like her. I mean hell I punched my friend in the face because she was upset... I have flipped my life completely around these last couple weeks and Jenny is the only one who has been with me this whole time"

"I feel a but coming?"

"I don't know if her intentions were in the right. I found out today her daughter was taken away what if she was using me to get her back. I don't know what to believe... Jenny told me that she recognized me from the paper but I don't know if that was the first time she saw me"

"Well you are pretty famous Mr. Stokes" Greene says I raise my eyebrows at the sound of my last name "however... You should talk to Jenny about this"

"I've been trying to but she won't talk to me"

"Let her cool off"

* * *

The next day I sneak into my office praying I won't be seen after receiving all sorts of glares and looks from everyone. I really messed up last night and I messed up bad. I expect a cold shoulder from my whole team and I'm getting to a point where I don't even care. I do feel bad for what I did and you can call me arrogant but I feel like I was provoked.

Catherine confronts me about being a sex addict and she picks a very secluded place and she was wearing a sexy dress what did she think was going to happen. I am wrong in the situation but I shouldn't get all the blame.

I feel lightheaded with anxiety. I am depressed I can't lie.

Jenny still doesn't want to talk to me; it sucks not having anyone to talk to. I hate myself. I burned all my friends and if I wasn't so disgusting. So repulsive so gross I'm a disgusting sleazy mess of a human.

With the horrors I see every day I realize that I am one of them. I'm the person who should be behind bars I just haven't gotten caught. I haven't broken any laws but I have broken homes, destroyed relationships between great couples, I have fed women lies just to get in there pants. I'm disgusting!

I go to the elevator so I can get to roof the elevator opens and its Catherine. We make eye contact and then I start replaying all the terrible events in my head. I turn and head for the stairs as I feel my heart pound.

I hear her call my name from the top of the stairs.

"Nicky!" she yells I stop.

"I gotta go pick up Doc Robbins" I say looking up at her nervous as if my career flashes before my eyes. I watch her walk down the stairs I see the bruises on her wrists from me.

"We gotta talk Nicky" she says I turn and continue on the stairs.

"I'm tired of talking!" I yell louder she grabs me and turns me around. I feel

The anger and rage take over my body fueling off myself hatred.

"Nick we have to talk"

"Talking! Talk! Talk! Talk! Talk! The only person I want to talk to is Jenny and she doesn't want to talk to me because of you guys!" I say running to her my voice echoing throughout the stairwell.

"Nicky!" she says putting her hands on my chest trying to push me back but I back her up to the corner.

"What?"

"I didn't come to fight Nicky..." she says as her back hits the cold wall.

"Then why?"

"Nick you're scaring me!" she pushes me back but I don't move much.

"Scaring you?" I laugh "you should be scared!" I say harshly backing her up to the wall. "If you only knew... Oh wait! You do know. I'm a crazy sex addict you better hide before I start getting all crazy" she slaps me I feel a stingy pain across my face.

"I wanted to talk to you about last night" she says angry "I'm getting kind of tired of this. You won't talk to anyone"

"Just ask around the lab that's how you found everything else out"

"I tired of this half cocked crazy Nick"

"Half cocked?" I shove her against the wall and press my body against hers she takes a deep breath. "I bet you want to see the whole thing, huh?" I say giving her a smirk that I've used on hundreds of women.

"Nicky... What has gotten into you?" she says "I just want to talk to you"

"If you knew the rage and hatred I had for myself you would run far away" I whisper in her ear I feel her shutter under my touch.

"I want to help you" she says I lift her up onto the railing and take her hands and pin them high above her head. She looks at me with her big blue eyes.

"I want you and the lab to stay out of my business"

"It's my job as your friend to help you... Now please but me down?" she says

"I don't need your help!" I yell

"Nick... Just let me go"

"You don't want me to..."

"Like you know what I want"

"I do... You are trying to act all tough and in power but I really see what's going on you want to make it seem that you're helping me. But I know what you want"

"You don't..."

"Keep telling yourself that. You could've had me arrested for yesterday but I think you were disappointed because I didn't fuck you... Huh? You get to go home with what... Vartann?" I give her a sinister chuckle.

"He's all I need"

"You wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you had me" I say again, she stares at me until I grind myself into her a little. She releases a low throaty moan and looks surprised at me. "I'd break your hip"

"Nick..." she says trying to be tough I grind once more and I watch her eyes battle between sanity and ecstasy.

"I'm too much of a man for you" she remains speechless. I release her and take a step back she slowly stands up straight her eyes finally meeting mine.

"You need help"

"I need help you are the one chasing me around" she slaps me again

"You are going down a slippery slope"

"I know and all my friends are set on making my life hell... you can slap me all you want but I'm tired of all this! You think I like feeling like this! I hate myself enough don't try to guilt tripping to hating myself more!"

"Don't make it my fault!"

"I'm done!" I storm off to pick Doc Robbins up.

* * *

Robbins and I stop to pick up breakfast and I helped myself to three servings of cheap steak and eggs.

It was a very intense day to say the least bullying always brings something out that I try to hide. Cyber bullying luckily was something I hadn't experienced in my childhood but for some kids to think a keyboard gives them power when they are to coward to say it to someone's face.

But watching Doc Robbins deliver the baby and being a part of that whole experience changed me. Watching Nate Culver hold his child and be happy and scared at once just had this unreal effect on me. I leave to give him some privacy with his daughter. I stare at my move debating what my next move should be. I send a text to Catherine and Greg simply saying _'I'm sorry'_ I know I will have to do a lot more before I earn any of the trust back so if I have a job tomorrow I can earn back that trust. But that's all I got for right now.

I head towards the emergency department Jenny should be working I had down to the cafe and see her talking to her friends. I can tell she is still upset even though she laughs and smiles at her friends.

She looks at me and I feel goose bumps crawl on my skin, I point to my stitches suggesting that is the reason for my visit. She slowly stands and walks towards me.

"Hey" she says playing with her cup of coffee.

"Hey"

"We should talk outside" we walk to the garage passing through some nurses who are smoking. We stare at the ground we are both too scared to speak... or at least I am. "I'm sorry about last night"

"Why didn't you tell me about?"

"Tell you what, Nick? How I lost her because I was a terrible mother"

"I don't believe that"

"It's the truth"

"You were stuck in a bad situation I don't think you were or are a bad mother" she wipes at her eyes.

"Her name is Rose" explains her tattoos I lightly touch her shoulder "she is two now" she pulls out her phone and shows me a picture. The little was a spitting image of Jenny. "You gave me so much privacy... I just wanted you to go through my phone once so you would just find a picture so we could avoid this... So I could avoid this"

"Why would you hide this from me? She's beautiful"

"You haven't been completely honest with me either" she gets defensive almost immediately. "You've been through some stuff too"

"After I moved here I met and just about fell in love with a woman she didn't care about my work... That's how we met... but people from the department gave me shit because she was a hooker but she was just a good friend and finally when we hooked up I thought she would regret it so I left I return the next to find out that her pimp killed her. I almost my job because they thought I did it. Then a year later a man stalked me..." she looks at me in horror "he push me out of a window. He was living in my basement so he was waiting for me when I went home... He killed a man right in front of me then tried to kill me. I was buried alive a few years later. A Plexiglas coffin I was buried for about twelve hours..." I spare her the details about the fire ants. "Then my best friend was killed by the undersheriff. Six months ago I was shot in the chest with a shotgun a friend of mine lost his life because I didn't have his back. Then at his funeral I wasn't allow to attend and bombs just started going off... First the casket explodes then a tombstone and then a van nearly destroys me... It blew out my hearing for a couple days. Then I shot and killed a man and his younger brother tried to kill me twice first he tried to blow up my house and then locked me in a warehouse rig with explosives... Honest enough?" I say trying to keep my composure. She starts to cry. "I didn't tell you this to upset you"

"I know but I've been..."

"It's been a hectic couple days for both of us"

"My shift is over"

"I want to know about Rose" I say as we walk to my jeep holding hands.

"I don't know who her father is... She's got the silliest laugh loves princesses... And I've been trying like hell to get her back"

"Like me help"

"Are you sure? I could never ask you too"

"Why? I want to"

"I didn't want you to think I was using you"

"Let's just be honest with each other for now on"

"Okay I like that"

* * *

I don't know what possessed me to pull over but we were so close to Jenny's apartment and I couldn't wait. I need her and want her and only her. We start getting busy in my backseat in the late afternoon. I pull away from the kiss she gently caresses my face.

"Jenny... I love you" I say looking in her eyes.

"I love you too... Nick" she says I kiss her gently. After we make love once neither of us is completely satisfied so we start again. She's my perfect woman and her moans are music to my ears.

I hear a knock at the window. The windows were too foggy to see outside but I freeze when I see flashing lights.

* * *

More drama! Please Review!


	10. Relapse

Addiction

Disclaimer: own nothing

Please Review and Enjoy!

Love Reviews! Sorry for the wait but it's definitely worth it…

* * *

Ch10: Relapse

I hear the knock again; Jenny digs her nails into my back.

"Shit... Nick" she says in a mixture of an angry tone and loud moan. I help her put her pants on and she puts my shirt on leaving her undergarments in plain sight. As soon as she pulls the shirt on the door pops open.

"Please step out of the vehicle" a uniform officer says, Jenny hops out and I follow. My pants started to sag and slide down my belt was somewhere in my truck. Luckily I don't recognize the officers, but that doesn't stop my heart from beating like a maniac. "What were you guys doing?" neither of us answer, I'm trying to think of something to tell the officer. "Hands on your head sir turn on and face the vehicle" I comply with his orders clenching my jaw shut. "Do you have any weapons or sharp objects that can hurt me?"

"No sir..." he starts frisking me.

"What is your name, sir?"

"Nick Stokes"

"You on the job?" he says looking at me funny.

"Yea" he releases my hands and I relax them by my waist.

"Do you have anything in your car?"

"Just my service piece"

"Give me permission to search it"

"Yea" the officer starts searching my vehicle and I pull Jenny into a hug. "I'm so sorry" I whisper into her hair. I expect her to push me away and tell to go to hell, but instead she hugs me back.

"I'm sorry too" she says I kiss her forehead. The officer clears his voice and we release each other.

"Vehicles clean. I'm just going to issue you a citation"

"Thank you" I say shaking his hand

"Just keep it in the bedroom for now on"

"We will" she says wrapping her arms around my waist.

"That was close" I say pulling her close.

"Easy cowboy... We are right outside my building let's go inside"

* * *

A couple months later... Since Jenny and I's run in with the law I've been teased at work every now and then but it doesn't bother me. I'm friends with everyone again I can trust myself around my female coworkers and even Catherine. As for my addiction I think I'm recovered to be honest I haven't been to a SAA meeting in weeks and I feel great.

Jenny and I have been alright the cute and cuddly part of the relationship is definitely over but we are happy together. We've been fighting a lot these last couple weeks but it's been stressful for both of us.

Jenny finally got custody of Rose about a month and a half ago. Rose is almost two now and a spitting image of Jenny. Jenny and I live together now so that was a fun adventure. I had sisters but I had no idea how to decorate a girls' room. I love little Rose she smiles every time I come home. She giggles when I tickle her or when we play together. I treat Rose as if she is my own daughter.

Rose is staying with Catherine's mom right now because Jenny is in New York because her aunt had past she's been there for maybe four days and she's coming home in a week. Then yesterday Ecklie told Catherine and me that we were going upstate for a case. Catherine's mom practically begged to watch her. Jenny wasn't happy about it to say the least.

Tonight however Catherine and I are upstate in total farm land on a case and one of the deputies is an old buddy of mine from my high school and college baseball days.

"Man what you doing out here?" he said, it's comforting to here a southern accent nowadays. It remains me of home.

"I'm on a case but what about you Deputy Craig Johnson?" I ask we were all sitting around a bonfire with some of Craig's coworkers.

"Yup I'm a big ol' copper now... My wife's family lives out here. What about you man? You married? Kids?"

"I've been seeing this girl she has a daughter"

"You ain't got none of your own"

"Nope"

"That's surprising... Wait till I tell my sister" he said laughing. My eyes grew wide his sister had the biggest crush on me in high school. She was a borderline stalker.

"That's not funny" I say choking on my beer.

"LL Nicky B" he says I fall over laughing as does he leaving Catherine clueless.

"Am I missing something?" she says I go to tell her what he's talking about but I start laughing again.

"In high school..." I say laughing harder I can't breathe. "In high school, the principal had called an assembly to recognize some students. Our class president goes up to speak and..." I start to laugh again "Craig turned off the lights took our class president..."

"Stokes started rapping and stripping the principal started chasing him around... To see this fat guy chasing Stokes around was hilarious but the fact that Stokes was running around in his briefs" I fall over laughing. "Just made it better... So the cheerleaders nicknamed him LL Nicky B"

"LL Nicky B?"

"Ladies love Nicky boy" he said we continue laughing until I felt my phone vibrating. I handed my beer to Catherine and left to answer my phone, it was jenny.

"Hey babe" I said

"I gotta talk to you" she says quietly I feel a knot in my gut.

"What's going on?"

"I'm sorry Nick..."

"Sorry? For what? What's going on?"

"I can't do this Nick. I don't think this relationship is going to work"

"What? Where is this coming from?"

"We've hardly had time for each other these last couple weeks. I feel like we've grown apart and... Never mind"

"Nevermind what? I don't understand what's going on? This is crazy..."

"It's not crazy, Nick! This is how I feel!"

"we've had so much happen these last couple weeks I don't understand how you could feel like that!" I say loudly walking away from the crowd.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore!"

"You're talking but not really saying anything! What did I do to make you feel like this? I thought we would good!"

"Nick..."

"Say what's on your mind?"

"It's you! Two sex addicts shouldn't be together!" she yells in the phone I'm immediately taken back and there's an awkward silence.

"So... Because we met at SAA we can't be together"

"I don't see how it will work"

It been working though"

"No it hasn't. Nick I'm not happy."

"I've turned my life completely upside down for you! Your little girl has been staying at my house! I pulled strings used all my favors for you to get your kid back and now you shit on me"

"I'm not"

"You're breaking up with me over the phone over nothing!"

"So my feelings are nothing!"

"I didn't mean it like that... What about Rose?"

"I'm back in Vegas... I have her"

"Oh, well I guess you have everything you need then"

"Don't be like that"

"Whatever Jenny. You got what you needed" I say hanging up. I stand alone in the dark for awhile.

I'm not too familiar with the feeling of heartbreak but I'm pretty sure this is it. She used me to get her daughter back. She should have told me and I think I would've helped her either way but now I feel stupid. After all the trouble she and I went through, all the shit I got from my team. I can't believe this... Love sucks.

I walk back out to Catherine and Craig fronting a fake smile. I took my beer from her.

"Everything alright Nicky?" she asks

"Yea..." I say drinking my beer. My plans for the night changed from just having a good time with some friends to get drunk. I feel like a fool and I won't tell Catherine because I know she will give me I-told-so lecture.

I don't part take in the conversations at the bonfire I just watch as people come and go as I drink beer bottle after bottle. I notice the fire is out and I look around and Craig is leaving and it's just Catherine and I and some other people I don't care for.

"Nicky come on. Give me the beer" she says taking the beer. Everything is spinning and I realize just how drunk I really am.

"One... More sip" I slur reaching for the beer she has to hold me because my legs are jelloly and I'm so dizzy. Then I smell her perfume and it just flips a switch in my head. "You smell nice"

"Come on, Nicky. You're drunk" she says trying to bring me to the passenger seat but I stand my ground. She pulls on my hand but I pull her towards me. I may be drunk but she's buzzed too. I throw her on my shoulder and lay her down on pickup bed. I climb above her and she giggles as do I. "Nicky what are you doing?"

"What are you doing?" I say leaning over her putting my one hand by her head and using the other to lightly trace the buttons on her shirt. I lightly grab her face and kiss her, she doesn't fight back and I didn't expect her to. I slowly unbutton her shirt and then once I have her where I want her I show her the sex addict I am. It feels good to be back in my old skin. I watch as Catherine's eyes just about roll behind her head.

I'm a disgusting man, an asshole, and a repulsive man but I think I like being this way and maybe I'll stay this way.

I take great satisfaction in my bedroom skill you could say. I can tell by the noises and faces Catherine makes that she agrees too. When I finally finish I look at her she looks exhausted and quickly falls asleep on my chest I cover us with the blanket she used from the bonfire.

* * *

I wake up the next morning hung over as can be. My head is pounding and my gut feels like it's going to have projectile vomit come out. I look over and see

Catherine on the phone I put my shirt back on and my phone falls out. I look at it and it says '6 missed calls' I look and they were all from doctor Greene I'm taken back by this.

I want to call him because emotionally I still feel like shit especially now that I just messed up a friendship with Catherine by doing the dirty and all the stuff with Jenny. But before I can make up my mind he calls me again without thinking I answer.

"Stokes"

"Nick its doctor Greene" he says with a strange form of panic in his voice that I haven't heard before.

"What's up doc?"

"There was an accident"

"Who?" I ask interrupting him

"It was Jenny"

* * *

What do you think of the Catnip should it last or is Jenny the one he should be with? What happened to Jenny?


	11. Guilt

Addiction

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Please Review and Enjoy!

Love Reviews

* * *

Ch11: Guilt

I rush into desert palms hospital my mind racing. Doc Greene told me that when she was leaving my house she was hit by a drunk driver. Rose was alright she had a scratch on her head that needed stitches but Jenny was hurt... Her spleen was damaged as was one of her lungs.

I push open the door to the ER where I see Doctor Greene sitting. He looks upset but I don't see Rose.

"Where is she?" I ask anxiously he grabs me stopping me.

"Nick, look at me" he says as my eyes surf the waiting room. Once I realize I can't find either Rose or Jenny I finally look at his eyes. "Jenny is emergency surgery. Her spleen ruptured and her lung was punctured"

"oh my god" I say running my hands through my hair damn near ripping it out as tears start flowing out of me.

"There's some internal bleeding" he says I damn near collapsed. I bury my face in my hands. He brings me to a chair.

"What happened?" I ask he kneels down in front of me.

"She was leaving your house with Rose and they were struck by a drunk driver who blew through a red light... I'm so sorry Nick" he says I try to compose myself, wiping away my tears.

"Where's Rose?" I ask he pads my shoulder.

"Come on Nick" I wipe my eyes. He walks me to the triage room she's in and he returns to waiting room.

"Hi Nicky" she says waving and standing on the gurney.

"Hey Rose" I say picking her up "let me look at your cut"

"I gots an owie like you" she says yawning.

"I see"

"Where's my mommy?" she says crying I try to soothe her, trying to hide my own tears from falling.

"She's with the doctors right now" I stand with her holding her close.

After 15 minutes Rose starts to snore cuddling against my chest. I try to think what I can do with Rose. I want and need to stay at the hospital.

_How did this happen?_

_I watch as Jenny lays Rose down to sleep in the room that I've been slaving over._

_"How is she?" I ask kissing Jenny on the cheek._

_"She loves that new daycare good thinking."_

_"I want the best for you... And her," I say making sure she's looking at me. She smiles making me smile more._

_"I love you," she says_

_"I love you too."_

_At that exact moment I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life together._

And now... I'm sitting in a waiting room holding her sleeping daughter waiting to see if she will be alright. I can't get her out of my brain. Her laugh. Her smile. Her heart. Just her in general... If anything happens to her... I don't know what I will do with myself.

I love her so much. And two hours after we break up I sleep with someone else... I'm so disgusted with myself I feel physically ill.

"Nick..." I look up and it's Ray. He puts his hand on my shoulder and sits next to me. "Any word yet?" he asks and I break down into sobs.

"They were hit by a drunk driver... Jenny is still in surgery," I say putting Rose in the seat next to me covering her with my coat.

"Where was she going?"

"She broke up with me last night."

"Oh Nick I'm sorry... Why?"

"Because we met in SAA she didn't think we could have a normal relationship," I say replaying the horrible conversation in my head. There was in use in trying to hide the fact that I am a sex addict especially now.

"Nick I don't think she meant it like that," he says trying to comfort.

"It doesn't matter because I proved her right. Right after we broke up I had sex with the first woman I saw! And now she is fighting for her life while I was out fucking Catherine!" I say burying my face crying more. "Ray, I love her, and I don't know what I will do with myself if something happens to her."

"Don't think like that. You need to be strong for Rose and for Jenny,"

"Nick, I have to go but I'll be back over in the morning," Doctor Greene says but I don't acknowledge him.

"Nick, what are you thinking?" Ray asks I shrug my shoulders. My tears have stopped I can't cry anymore I have no more tears to shed. "It's going to be okay," Ray says padding my shoulder.

"Ray I don't know what to do?"

"Rose can stay with me tonight. You stay here be with Jenny," he says I nod.

I look up and see a man passing us on a gurney with a police escort. I can smell the booze on him. I stand up and run to the man.

"The drunken ones always survive," I murmur.

"I was in an accident tonight officer..." the drunk says to me "I hit a pretty lady and her kid too, cute kid... I'm going to jail," he says I feel rage just start pumping through my veins.

"See that little girl over there. She may never see her mother again because of you!" I yell the officer grabs me but I push him away then a woman on the other looks at me frustrated.

"Go to hell!" he yells "my husband is lucky to be alive,"

"Yea I hope I get to say the same about my girlfriend!" I yell as Ray brings me back.

"Nick, get it together!" he says as I start to hyperventilate. the fear of losing Jenny is beginning to be too much to handle. I have only thought of suicide once before, and now that daunting idea has peeked its no good head again.

"Mr. Stokes?" a man in scrubs asked. I freeze.

"Yes," I say like a child in trouble.

"You should sit, sir," the doctor says taking off his stethoscope.

* * *

Please Review! Will Jenny survive or not? You decide I have already written chapters for both scenarios... I need guidance


	12. Rollercoaster

Addiction

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Love Reviews

Ch12: Rollercoaster

* * *

I sit feeling as if I'm going to pass out or have a full fledge panic attack. Ray takes Rose to the cafeteria.

"How is she doc?" I say nervous.

"She's alright. We removed her spleen and repaired her lung. She's going to have to stay here for a little while,"

"She's alright though?" I say feeling an overwhelming wave of relief.

"Yes," he says I hug him.

"Thank you so much. Is she awake? Can I see her?" I say excited. The doctor smiles.

"She's gotta rest so don't stress her... But I'll take her to you," he says I follow him into her room. He leaves to give us privacy.

"Thank god you're alright," I say holding her hand. She turns and looking at me. She's got small bruises on her face and she's on oxygen and some IVs.

"How's Rose?"

"She's alright," I say smiling she sits up.

"Thank god..." she says looking me up and down. "You had sex didn't you!" she yells. I looked down ashamed she pulls her hand away. "You have it written all of your face! You son of a bitch you did, didn't you?" she yells tears strolling down her cheeks.

"It wasn't like that at all," I say trying to explain but I was wrong.

"I'm in the hospital and you're out having sex,"

"You broke up with me!"

"And you sure didn't waste any time!"

"I was drinking... Upset. You had just broken up with me for no reason! What did you want me to do?" she pushes me away.

"My sister is on her way I'll have her get Rose,"

"You don't have to do that. We can work this out!"

"No!" she yells the doctor comes in.

"Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave," he says grabbing my arm I swat him away.

"No! Jenny, I made a mistake but I love you please... I'm sorry," I beg she looks away "I'm begging you please," I feel someone tap my shoulder I look and it was a big security guard. Ray and little rose are at the door.

"Nick please just go," she says rolling over. I leave when I feel Rose tug on my pant leg.

"Nicky..." she says making me feel like just like the biggest piece of crap in the world.

"I'll be back... Take care of your mom for me," I say giving her a small kiss on her head.

In the elevator I just break down in sobs Ray watches uncertain of what to say. I am able to compose myself.

"Do you want me to call Doctor Greene?"

"No fuck him. I'm over all of this," I say leaving the elevator Ray follows.

"Nick maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him,"

"No,"

"You have a problem Nick," he stops I turn and look at him.

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Well bottling it up isn't going to work you need help."

"Leave me alone!" I leave.

I go to Warrick and I's favorite strip club. I buy a private booth for myself and knock back a few beers.

* * *

I wake up the next morning in an alleyway. I feel sick to my stomach and have a pounding headache. I get to my feet and throw up I feel something hit my chin. I touch the necklace Jenny gave me.

'It helps to believe in a little something every now and then' I think to myself. I get to my feet and cry quietly. I walk to the street and check my wallet... Empty. No cash, just my ID, and my credit card.

I get a cab and go home. My house is empty all the pictures of us are gone. All of their belongings at the door in boxes. Rose's little drawings are gone her toys... Everything. It's like they never moved in.

I take a shower and just sit on my bed. I notice something under my blankets I look and it's Rose's stuffed doggy, bobo. A smile spreads across my face. I get dressed putting on jeans and my Texas A&M shirt.

I go to the hospital to give Rose her doggy and talk to Jenny. When I get to the hospital I notice a woman in Jenny's room yelling at her.

"If you weren't such a slut this never would've happened! Now I gotta take off time from my work because you like to give it up to the first guy you see!" the woman yells packing a bag.

"Liz it's not like that! I was in an accident!"

"Dad was right about you! I should've believed him!"

"Nicky!" Rose yells running out of the room. She jumps into my arms hugging bobo. "Bobo!" she smiles. I walk into her room and I'm greeted by Liz, Jenny's wretched sister I never knew about.

"Who are you?" she says staring me down.

"Dis Nicky!" Rose yells putting her head against my chest.

"He's my boyfriend, Liz." Jenny says.

"Please Jenny... Not every guy you have sex with is your boyfriend"

"I'm the only guy. Jenny needs to rest, so either knock it off or leave!" I say firmly. Liz backs off and sits.

"Liz can you give us a minute please?" Jenny asks. Liz stands and I hand her

Rose, they leave to the cafeteria. "Nicky..."

"Listen Jenny, I'm really sorry about all of this. I know this is all my fault... And I want you to know..." I say unhooking the necklace handing it to her "I really appreciated all you did for me. And I just want you to be happy,"

"Nicky I'm sorry... I just didn't expect all of this,"

"Expect what?"

"To meet the man of my dreams at SAA. I didn't expect to really fall in love with you. To understand what love is, until I met you... And it scared me,"

"You don't have to be scared. Please Jenny come home with me let me take care of you and Rose." I beg she kisses me.

"I'd like that..." she says

* * *

Reviews! How do you feel about Jenny and Nick back together?


	13. 12A: Dejection

Addiction

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Please Review and Enjoy!

Alternate chapter of Rollercoaster. This one Jenny dies.

Love Reviews

Ch12A: Dejection

* * *

I sit feeling as if I'm going to pass out or have a full fledge panic attack.

Ray takes Rose to the cafeteria, I see Catherine leave the elevator and walks towards me. I feel no awkwardness so what we had sex I've had sex with hundreds of women a quarter of those I work with or have worked with. Why should I start let it bother me now?

"How is she doc?" I say nervous turning my attention to Jenny's doctor. His face looked grim.

"Please sit," he says I feel an overwhelming knot in my stomach.

"I'm sorry but we weren't able to stop the bleeding. She died just a little while ago..." the doctor says I fly out of my seat running my hands through my hair squeezing my head.

"No! No! No..." I mutter to myself. Why Jenny? Why did I have to come to east bumble fuck I should have stayed home and this whole thing would have been avoided.

"I'm really sorry," the doctor says

"Sorry?" I yell, he doesn't realize who was on his operating table. Jenny is the only woman that knew everything about me and still loved me. She's the only person I have ever loved and now she is gone. I don't care that she just broke up with me I know we could have worked things out.

"Nicky," Catherine says touching my back trying to soothe me. But it feels like I'm drowning. I turn and plow my fist thru the wall trying to ease some of the anger that was building up but it only made it worst. My blood feels like it's boiling, my heart isn't broken it's destroyed. I cry for Rose at just two years old her mother is dead. I break down into uncontrollable sobs to think of Rose's first day of school and Jenny not be there to put her on the bus. Rose's moving up ceremonies. Rose's prom and her graduation all things Jenny is going to miss. What is going to happen to Rose now? The thought of me not being able to keep custody of Rose destroys the remainder of my heart. I get to my feet wiping my eyes trying to compose myself but I can't.

"Where is Rose?" I ask looking around remembering that Ray took her to the cafeteria. I wipe my eyes and head towards the elevator. Catherine tries to stop me because I know I am in no shape to see Rose knowing that I would probably scare her or upset her but if I don't see her I'll go crazy if I haven't already. I push past Catherine searching for the cafeteria.

"Nicky..." she says I ignore her looking for Rose. Blood or not she is my daughter, and I'm not leaving without her. I see her sitting in the cafeteria across from Ray, telling him a story. She sees me and runs to me and I pick her up.

"Nicky!" she says excited. Her face changes when she sees mine she frowns. She the smiles at me wiping my tears away. "Did mommy go away again?"

"Yea..." I whisper choking on my own sobs. I know she doesn't understand what any of this means.

"It'll be okay," she says hugging me squeezing me tight.

"Come on, I'll bring you guys home." Catherine says I nod wiping tears from my eyes not allowing myself to cry in front of Rose.

* * *

As I search my fridge for a bottle of beer I feel the urges come back and the fact that Catherine is still here doesn't help me either. Rose is asleep in her room long car rides always put her to sleep.

"Did anyone notify her family?" I ask opening my beer.

"Her next of kin was you but Brass was able to find her father in San Diego. He's coming into town tomorrow with her sister, Brass said he sounded upset." she says I sit on the couch staring at a photo of Jenny and me.

"When?" I say not looking up at her.

"I'm not sure, I think he said around nine. I'll call him later and find out... Are you going to be alright tonight?"

"Yeah..."

"I'll call you in the morning," she says leaving. I continue to drink thinking of Jenny trying not to. I think of all the times Jenny and I have ever shared and I miss her already. The more I drink better the memories and then worst the memories until I don't even know what I'm thinking. I watch Rose sleep wondering how long I get to keep her. Jenny's family is probably going to want to take custody but then again I don't know. I am so uncertain on so many things. Usually you meet your girlfriend's family when things are getting serious not to discuss funeral arrangements.

I feel like Jenny's going to walk through the door any moment and tell me what I cruel joke this was. It doesn't feel like she's gone her belongings are still everywhere it feels like she's at work pulling a double. No one knows what I'd give to have her come through that door.

I fall down trying to make it to my room I look at my phone debating whether or not to call up some old friends for a booty call. But I open up my phone and see a picture of Jenny and Rose. I throw my phone off to the side as I collapse on my bed. Finally letting the alcohol take my body into a deep slumber.

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Funeral arrangements next chapter but what will happen with Rose?


	14. 13A: Little Rose

Addiction

Disclaimer: own nothing

Please Review an Enjoy! This chapter falls the one about Jenny's death.

Love Reviews

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Ch13: Little Rose

I woke up that morning to my phone buzzing on the floor. I reach and grab it the effects of my hangover not as strong as I thought they would be. Then I remember why I started to drink... Jenny is dead. I answer my phone it was Catherine.

"Hello..." I say trying to control my feelings.

"Hey Nicky, I know you don't want to talk but Jenny's father and sister are coming down. They should be here within the hour,"

"Okay..."

"How are you doing?"

"I can't Cath..." I say breaking down again, I don't want to talk away more and just hang up. I push my face into my pillow screaming until I feel myself starting to feel weak. I look at the scratches on my hand from punching the hospital wall. I look up and see Rose standing in my doorway. I smile at her and she runs onto my bed and hugs me kissing my forehead.

"It'll be 'kay Nicky," she says playing with my hair. "Don't cry." I smile at her wiping my tears away. Rose looks like a mini-Jenny it's almost scaring.

"I'm going to be alright... Rose, no matter what happens today, I want you to know I love you ok kiddo and I want to do right by you," I say tucking her little hair behind her tiny ear. If I lose her too I don't know what I'll do.

"Love you too Nicky," Rose says hugging me.

INSERT LINE BREAK

I walk into PD with Rose holding my finger she insisted that she could walk so I let her. Everyone gives us looks of sorrow and I can tell they know and feel sorry. I feel selfish as I frown and feel tears rush, my sorrow and mourning should be for little Rose. Her mother is gone, and she's too young to even know what that means.

I know that I look awful because the stress has taken over my whole body inside and out. I tried to clean up only because I didn't want Jenny's family think I'm some slum.

I could tell that Brass was probably more nervous about this meeting then me. He had it written on his face as I walked into his office. He came up and hugged me I felt a rush of tears coming but I wouldn't let them pass.

"Hey Rose," Brass said getting eye level with Rose. She clung onto my leg and hid behind it.

"C'mon honey, you know Uncle Jim." I say flipping her ponytail. Her face lights up when I say Jim.

"Gee-um..." she says mimicking my accent; I guess my Jim sounds like Gee-um. She smiles to herself.

"How are you doing, Nicky?" Jim says I shrug my shoulders.

"I don't know... When are her folks getting here?"

"There they are," Jim said, I pick Rose up. As Jim greets her father and I think her sister.

"Nick, this is Jenny's father Russell, and her sister Lisa."

"Hi Nick," Russell said shaking his hand. "Is this Rose?" he asked.

"Yes it is. Rose, can you say hi to your grandpa?"

"hi." she says quickly before burying her head in my neck.

"How'd you know Jenny?" Lisa says with a little attitude.

"She was my girlfriend." I say feeling my eyes get glassy.

"Really?"

"Lisa, stop it. This is neither the time nor the place." Russell said. An awkward silence takes over as Rose squeezes tighter on my neck nervous. She starts to squirm so I let her down.

"Hey Gee-um, do you have a lollipop?" She said tugging on his pant leg.

"Sure thing kiddo. Actually Catherine has a bunch," he says as Catherine comes in and takes Rose's hand.

"Ok, bye." she says waving.

"Please sit," Jim says motioning towards the seats. "I don't know if you were aware but Ms. Wright had a living will."

"I did." I say, remembering helping her get the right paperwork. I remember her telling me about seeing all the unexpected deaths in the ER she said when she left she didn't want anyone to worry.

"Ok." Jim said, starting to read from the paper. "I know that I haven't lived the most exciting, safe, normal life but I don't regret any choices I've made because they have made me stronger. Dad, I want you to know that all I ever wanted was to make you proud of me believe it or not. I got clean, I got into a healthy relationship, and I got custody back of little Rose. I leave everything to her. All of that is due to the love and strength that my wonderful boyfriend gave me. I can honestly say he made me a better person, thank you Nicky." Jim says pausing, I get choke up. "He treats me like a queen, it doesn't scare me sometimes just because I'm not use to it before. Rose loves you, Nick, and I hope you take good care of her. You love her like she's your own, there's no one I could imagine taking better care of her than you. I love you, Nicky." Jim says with a tear rolling down his cheek. I start to sob and I bury my face in my hands. I feel a strong pair of arms engulf me in a hug.

"It's okay, son." Jenny's dad, Russell, says to me.

"I miss... Her." I say looking up at him.

"I know you do. So do I. She doesn't want us upset because she's gone. She wants us to remember the life she lived, and be happy as she watches from above." I nod. "I want to hear stories about Jenny and Rose, so how about lunch?" Russell says wiping his own eyes.

"Rose will like that." I say, "I'll be right back." I go to Catherine's office and see her sitting with Greg and Catherine on the couch.

"Daddy!" she squealed hopping off the couch. She calls me Nicky, or daddy. I pick her up and kiss her cheek. Catherine and Greg look at me wondering if I still will have Rose.

"You're coming home with me." Catherine and Greg smile.

"Where else would I go, silly?" she says, I kiss her cheek.

"I don't know," I say feeling the first genuine smile come across my face since this started.

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Hope you enjoyed it! Be sure to check out the sequel _Slippery Slope Into Darkness._

_Slippery Slope Into Darkness - _Jenny's dead and Nick's addiction has worsen. Nick has done a good job keeping his private life, private but what happens when a case makes the worlds collide. Set two years after Addiction.


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